I was on a date recently with a self proclaimed nice guy who explained that he was still single because “nice guys always finish last”. But he said he wasn’t going to change (good man!) and eventually the right one would click.

It got me thinking about the various nice guys I’ve passed over (especially the ones in their 30’s that come on as strong as a tsunami wave) in favour of the ones that don’t call and text instead. The ones that don’t say “I like you and want you to stick around”. The ones that don’t buy you flowers (you’re not worth the effort). The ones that don’t tell the truth and lie instead especially when they merrily skip on out, without so much as a goodbye (damn cowards if you ask me).

A good guy friend of mine recently said, Vanessa there is nothing wrong with you but your selection process is flawed. AMEN. Am I a f*cken masochist? Maybe. Do we girls like abuse? I hope not. For all you nice guys, this is why I think girls get turned off.

The Annoying Salesperson Analogy

Let’s say you walk into a store at the mall – you have an idea of what you are looking for but you’re more into browsing than buying. You just want to quietly look around, feel the fabric, try something on, at your own pace and in your own time.

Then, the vulture salesperson spots you – well intentioned, and she starts giving you suggestions of items to try on. But they didn’t catch your eye in the first place so no thank you. She compliments you to try to win you over but you feel like she isn’t being sincere – it’s overkill. Doesn’t she have any real friends? Also you don’t like doing what other people tell you to do. You’ll decide when you’re ready to buy thank you very much.

Then she announces: 75% off today only with a free gift with purchase and you wonder – what’s wrong with the merchandise? If they have to throw so much at me to get me to buy (with the razzle dazzle) it can’t be that good. Too easy.

If you do buy it, you cringe at being swayed and only wear it a handful of times a year to compensate for buying another item you didn’t really want in the first place. When you’re bored and all your fave pieces are in the wash.

The Snobby Salesperson Analogy

TAKE 2: After window shopping for months you get up the nerve to walk into Holt Renfrew (or some other fancy store). The displays are magical, every surface is gleaming and the salesperson is aspirational. You want her outfit and demeanor and you want her to want to be your best friend. You hope that no one figures out your secret – you’re not sure you belong there.

You feel like you are bothering her and wait for her to finish chatting to her associate. She smiles at you (not with her eyes) and tries to talk you out of the purchase, treating you like shit (she knows your secret…). But dammit! You’ve saved up for this splurge ain’t nobody going to tell you you can’t have it. So you pretend like this is no big deal, just another routine day in your life.  There is something cold and insincere about this place, you feel slightly uncomfortable. JUST IGNORE IT.

You plan to use the item every week, if not everyday, because you want to show it off and get your money’s worth. Full price and you’ve earned it. You sense that you just sold a tiny piece of your soul and were manipulated into doing all the work. You get your shiny new symbol but it should feel better than this right??? Right??

Julia Roberts with snobby salesperson in Pretty Woman

Big Mistake. HUGE!

It’s all about timing

Of course there is a range of males that fall in between but these are the two types I keep meeting. I think the key is for the nice guy to swoop in at that point when the nice girl Can’t. Take. Another. Douche. There really is no way of knowing when she is at her breaking point. But for the love of God PLEASE DON’T CHANGE. We need more of you in the world to prove that chivalry isn’t dead and that real and lasting relationships in your mid twenties and thirties are possible.

At the end of the day, we all want to go back and tell that snobby salesperson off, Julia Roberts styles but they rarely give us that opportunity. Remember: there are no refunds for time wasted but there are lessons learned the hard way.

Nice guys – I’d love to hear from you!

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