2013 will be remembered as the year when everything I believed to be true turned out not to be. Only life can throw curve balls that teach control freaks like me to let go of the reins a bit, since it laughs in the face of plans.
When you feel the tide turning, no matter how strong you fight it, you sense your power dwindling. We like to think that sheer will power, tenacity and hard work can make anything fly, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and back away without viewing yourself as a quitter or the situation as a failure.
Putting good energy behind something that isn’t working is only exhausting. It took a risky stock market decision, the demise of a two-year romance and the pursuit of an internship in production for me to realize this.
All those decisions were accompanied by a giant feeling of trepidation. I could not tell if I was running away from something or running towards something. My body and emotions were screeching that something was off but I had trouble identifying the source and thus made somewhat random choices to stay, leave or start.
In 2014 I hope to:
- Better distinguish between a gut feeling that says “RUN FOSTER RUN” and a fearful mind. The goal is to listen to the former without second-guessing, while observing, thanking and respectfully ignoring the latter.
- Stop rationalizing decisions to myself; stop rationalizing actions to others.
- Only say yes to people and opportunities that make me say “F*ck Yes”. We are entitled to say no, when our hearts don’t sing.
- Try to keep an open heart and an open mind, without compromising my own values or judging others harshly for how they lead their lives.
- On that note, establish my core values.
- Put hard work behind meaningful pursuits. I secretly fear putting effort behind something and not getting the results I want in the end.
- Extend compassion to myself, especially during perceived falls from grace to others; extend to other by not always assuming the worst intentions.
- That being said, when it comes to others, actions speak louder than words. Observe the actions.
- Behave in a respectfully assertive manner, instead of oscillating between outbursts of aggression and bouts of doormat passivity. This will teach others how I want to be treated without all the drama.
- Engage in relationships where efforts are balanced, without keeping score
- Let go of expectations wherever possible; focus on the Now and flow with life. Trust that I can handle whatever comes my way. And stop asking others for advice and help in handling my sh*t.
2013 began with a list of goals and some of them happened, while others did not. I kept searching for things outside myself to feel fulfilled and at peace. The real culprit was leading a dishonest life.
2013 ended on a quest for physical, mental and emotional wellbeing, seeking out teachers and taking baby steps including cooking. I’m excited to have my life back again and time to give myself what I need. I tend to let romantic relationships rob me of that.
In 2014 I hope to get over the writer’s block that plagued me this year, by knowing myself better and accepting all facets of my psyche not just the good parts.
I hope to do something truly independent, be it solo travel, moving out or both. I hope for more fun and adventures, planned and unplanned. To become the partner I want to meet, you know, when the time is right. There is no rush.
Feeling grateful for the space and time to ponder all this next week on a beach. So tell me, what did you learn this year?