Perfect on Paper but…there’s a “But”

As I lamented about not being able to find a great guy, “the universe” sent me one via eharmony. But of course, I didn’t feel the spark, which is typical since my love life operates in a lopsided way. In an effort to convince myself, I took inventory of his many virtues (I also have a penchant for Pro and Con Lists): 

  • The most financially established, and oldest, I’ve ever dated (condo, nice car, good job, ambition). But I’m not one to base love on material possessions…So what else?
  • Family-oriented and goes to church once a month.
  • Respectful and normal; took me on great dates (really nice restaurants).
  • Called when he said he would, texted me everyday, complimented me, opened doors, paid for everything, wasn’t a douchebag and wanted to pick me up even though it was out of the way.
  • Great sense of humour – conversation and laughter were never a problem. 
  • Frequents the gym, does not smoke, does not have children or an ex-wife and dresses fairly well.
  • Tall (very), dark and handsome. Although I wasn’t really attracted to him in that way. 

I noticed that I felt closer and more comfortable with him on the phone than I did in person. While I can be affectionate and flirty, I found myself holding back in person.  I felt bad about being so hot and cold with him – I didn’t want to lead him on but I didn’t want to let him go.

I wasn’t dying to kiss him and by our third date I thought to myself, the boy has earned it! So in the car, I said “let’s do this.” Out loud.  And while I wanted badly to feel something, I really didn’t and almost cried on my way home. I tried to make sense of the situation: 

  • Am I that girl who will never like someone who actually makes it clear that he likes me/is attainable?
  • Or should I just listen to my gut reaction? I either feel something or I don’t – no questions or over thinking. After all, chemistry has no logic. I’m going to go with option B.

So how did it end?

We had a great, honest conversation on the phone about how forced we felt. We drifted for a bit and then tried again. In the end we ended up becoming very good friends – good people can be hard to find and we certainly had personality chemistry that neither one of us wanted to abandon.

The UK version of this poster beat the US one. I don't remember this movie so I'm not endorsing it.

We now celebrate the wins and commiserate/support each other on the disappointments in love and life in general. They say most guys don’t want to be “your friend” and I used to agree (serious shortage of male friends) but I disagree in this case.

I would recommend him to anyone and am determined to match make him. Even though I dealt with a lot of difficult encounters and may not emerge with a relationship from this eharmony experience, meeting him was well worth the $120 bucks.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? How important is chemistry to you?

9 Responses to Perfect on Paper but…there’s a “But”

  1. Rebecca says:

    I knew my current boyfriend was the one the moment I saw him, butterflies, everyone else disappeared, etc. (I know, awww). But when we first started dating, I didn’t feel that “lust” I felt with other guys – part of it was because he was a bit shy, and we took it really slow. Part of it was that previous men I had dated were seductive (i.e., players), for lack of a better term. Sometimes, it just takes time. I’ve had just the physical and I’ve had just the emotional/mental, and I think the most important thing is to be able to communicate so you can improve wherever you need to, because things will always be up and down in a relationship – that’s life. If that makes sense.

    I don’t think men and women can be friends like that, by the way. My feeling is that one of you is still holding out feelings for the other, and the other is benefiting from that attention. Just my pov 🙂

    • Dare My Truth says:

      Hey Rebecca,
      I love how you describe meeting your bf – I’ve heard several people describe the same experience, which I haven’t been privy to yet. It’s comforting to know that you didn’t feel the lust but still knew he was the one. I guess I’m looking for a combo: Physical + mental/emotional. Do you think you can take friendly feelings to another level?

      Jury is still out on male/female friendships. I think they can exist, if they always were platonic. In this case, while we met with the intention to date, we didn’t really in the truest sense so it may still be possible. Or you may be right.

  2. Craig says:

    Hopefully this will add to the story. I am actually one of the guys she met through eHarmony. I’m not the guy she is speaking about, but we had a good first date. I’m not sure how she felt about me, but I thought she was smart, funny and cute. However we don’t have a whole lot in common and feel we wouldn’t be a great match. That being said, I think we will be good friends. Online dating isn’t for everyone and even though it’s become the de facto standard to hone in on potential mates, the process of meeting someone and finding that connection still takes time and needs to flow naturally.

    • Dare My Truth says:

      Thanks for the comment Craig! My eharmony male friend count is now up to two!

      The thing about eharmony is they do match you on certain, I think deeper levels of compatibility and values and I share similar values with both Craig and the other guy I remain friends with.

      But when you are serial dating, which really can feel like serial killing, the spark, the feeling when you lock eyes, just may not be there. So much is intangible and about energy I think.

      For the record Craig – I thought you were cute, genuine and surprising. That last story threw me! lol

  3. Sam says:

    Hahaha! I love it! I am that guy, and all I have to say is…

    “Lets do this!”

    I don’t think remembering that moment will ever fail to cause us to cry in laughter.

    Your blog, as always, is very entertaining. Although saying that does come across as oddly self serving at this point.

    PS Ladies, she’s got my number 😛

    See you around with a new story soon!

  4. Nick S says:

    I am curious to know if you and this man are now married. I hate it when I search a topic like this, and then I want to add my two cents, and then I realize that what I’m reading was posted years ago!

    Anyways, this “feeling” something is very important, though I can’t help but wonder if it can be deceptive, too. As the first commentator up there said, she didn’t feel something right away. I recently gave a relationship two months, and I didn’t really feel anything for the whole time, so what was there to do? Keep lying to myself? Keep waiting while wanting to date others? I had to break it off with her. So here I am searching stuff about relationships and this elusive feeling on Valentine’s Day. Oh, and did I say Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way? 😉

  5. Vanessa says:

    Hi Nick – we did not in fact end up together but he got married to a beautiful woman a year or two later and while we did not end up with a lasting friendship (not even on Facebook) it would seem like they are happy and he got the kind of a woman he wanted. I, on the other hand, remain on the market.

    I now think relationships can be approached in two ways, but I advocate for the first way: be friends first (all out) or go all in if you feel the pull.

    I advocate for friends first but truly just friends. No hand holding, kissing or pressure of any kind. Just hang out, talk and get to know each other as humans casually over time to see if you have the same values and like each other at the core for who you are. if you do, chances are the attraction can blossom and if you do eventually feel drawn to the other person chemically, share it and act on it. There is a risk this will never come and then you have to decide if the friendship is worth maintaining.

    On the other hand, when you feel that gut pull or chemical connection, you can either hold back still OR get romantic from the start. It may just be lust – if over time you realize you don’t like who the other person is or your values are too different. Or it could turn into something with longevity too if the reverse is true.

    But the method that I’ve been following – half in, half out, involves a fairly slow paced courtship of three or four months with physical contact even if the chemistry does not seem to be there. It feels forced and is very ineffective. None of these relationships make it past the first, second, third or fourth time.

    Dating requires patience but perhaps we should view it like any other new relationship or friendship. With that level of ease, freedom, lack of attachment to the outcome etc.

    Happy Valentine’s and good luck!

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