All that yucky love stuff

Quote Credit: my best friend’s wedding

I want to snuggle up close on the couch with you, under a blanket and play footsies and tickle and laugh and kiss. Passionate, amazing, didn’t think your mouth could do that, kissing. And I want to dance in the rain – slow dance, the corny movie kind (that likely doesn’t happen in real life). I want to run across a parking lot/field/room and jump into your arms: piggy back, threshold carrying and Notebook-style pick-ups.  I want to frantically pull over on the side of the road and…I want to accept your worst along with your best and receive the same. To grow because of you and help you grow.

Problem is, I haven’t met you yet and I wonder, truthfully, if I ever will.

Yes, I have NEVER been IN LOVE and I can’t help but think I am missing out on something major. I’m convinced my writing would be richer as a result; my understanding of the human condition deeper; the colours of my world more vibrant.  Reader, you may be feeling down because you’ve loved hard and lost that love, but I think you are lucky to have found it period. You were able to give that much of yourself, to open up and to feel that deeply. And if you haven’t lost that love, realize how lucky you are.

I attended a Love Speech the other day by Stuart Knight and it got me ANALYZING (doesn’t take much) why I haven’t found it yet (Points 1 and 2 are from his speech, the rest are humbly mine). I’m tired of feeling irritated by overly PDA couples or seemingly mismatched ones (if them, why not me? I know: cringeworthy thought).

Just to be clear, I think being single has amazing benefits and I am happier now than I ever was in a relationship, likely because being alone has afforded me personal growth. Sometimes you NEED TO GO IT ALONE. But Jenny Blake may have said it best here.

WHY LOVE MAY BE ELUDING YOU (and me!!)

1. Are you risking enough for love in order to be rewarded accordingly?

When I have the opportunity to put myself out there, I choke. I was playing the eye game (badly) with someone on the subway and I just wanted to get up and say something but I. Could. Not. Leave. My. Seat.

If I see a guy I’m attracted to in a bar, I’ll never say anything to him. I can’t even bring myself to make wicked “I’m into you” eyes and give a bright bold smile/wink.

I’m scurrrrrd (rapper accent) of putting myself out there and being rejected. A larger part of me thinks, if he really wanted to talk to me, he would be a MAN and make the first move (eyes, smile, talking).  I’ve been applying this philosophy for years to mediocre (at best) results. No risk no reward works for the stock market, for your career and I’m pretty sure it works here.

2. Are you actively “Being” your list in order to attract “your list”?

This was pretty profound – Stuart advised to divide your ideal partner list into non negotiable and negotiable traits and then throw out the traits you can live without. Then embody the traits that you require in order to attract someone who possesses them.  After all, if your sense of humour is oppressed by a job you hate, your life is out of whack and you lack confidence, can you attract someone who has their shit together, is funny and confident?  I haven’t made a guy list in ages but I may do one now just to make sure I’m putting out what I’m hoping to get (although list flexibility is key).

3. Do you love yourself enough yet?

Personally I’m a lot happier with the state of my life right now then I have been in a long time, and it is because of the work that I’ve done and the decisions that I’ve made,  how I’ve chosen to conduct myself and my mindset (although of course there are things I still want to change, plus bad days).

I think true love eluded me before now because I hardly loved myself and I was looking for someone else to validate my exterior and interior (dangerous!). Is my current self love strong enough to withstand someone else’s words, actions or thoughts? I’m not sure.

4. Do you have your heart on lockdown?

I’ve also noticed recently that I am a bit testy in the beginning if anyone approaches me. I automatically assume their intentions are bad and that they won’t be able to handle or like the real me. I’m terrified of being used for my body (I truly wish I could get physical just for kicks – no emotion). I also lay it on thick with my honesty and if you begin with the douche, I have zero patience and don’t play nice.  I know this is kind of off-putting, perhaps a defence mechanism to protect myself or weed out those that are not in it for the right reasons. Some people like hard to get, but I’m finding most really don’t. Vulnerability is key.

5. Are you still looking too hard to find love? Have you not given up yet?

This seems like a contradiction to Point 4 but I am living proof that both are possible at the same time. If I had a dollar for every time someone said, I had given up on men completely and just wanted to be left alone when I met “insert any name here”.

I don’t think I can fool the love Gods with my tough exterior since I long for love and believe I am open to it anytime, anywhere. Whenever I go out to a public place (subway, coffee shop, mall, bar) I automatically scan to see if there are any potentials and I’m a little disappointed when I’ve gone to an event or house party and wind up empty handed. When will it stop!?

6. Do you have enough time (etc) to give to someone else?

I’m a big believer that you have to make love a priority if it is important to you. But in the short term, you may need to keep your eye on another other prize and if you are being honest with yourself, you may not have enough to give to someone else. Love is like a plant, without your sunlight and rain, it can die. I think this point is really keeping love at bay for me.

The Ugly Truth: Full of chauvinistic reasons why love is eluding you. But the underwear scene has a special place in my heart

CELEBRATE LOVE IN ITS MANY FORMS

I’ve always been lucky to have huge helpings of love from my family and I encourage you to cherish the love that is feeding your soul, even if it isn’t attached to an attractive and available peen/vagine.

This Valentine’s Day, I will be going on a non date with a friend I made from eharmony. If I had the organizational skills and enough single lady friends, I would have organized a party like Bri. If I didn’t have any plans, I would have been my own date like Chelsea. Heck, I still may buy myself lingerie, chocolates and flowers on the 15th because I deserve to feel special and take advantage of sales AND SO DO YOU!

With a 25th birthday looming and a year and a half of singleness zooming, I can’t help but wonder how much longer I’ll have to wait. All I know is that this wait will make me appreciate love so much more when I do find it. And for that, I am thankful.

RELISH THE WAIT.

6 Responses to All that yucky love stuff

  1. Jenny Blake says:

    Thanks so much for the shout-out Vanessa! Hope you had a wonderful day today 😀

    • Vanessa says:

      Jenny your words are so eloquent and true and fun – when I orginally found that post it stuck with me and made my day. As weird as it sounds, and at risk of sounding like a creeper, the fact that you’re single to me is a “it’s not me, it’s you” light and a beacon of hope (fromageee).

  2. Angela C. says:

    You pose some intriguing questions. I think these are great things to put out there for people to consider, especially the idea that maybe they fear the risk-taking aspect of love. It is scary and a huge risk and I think many people close themselves off in order to protect themselves.

    • Vanessa says:

      Thank you so much Angela – risk taking in any aspect of life is scary – believe you me. And feeling disappointed in yourself for chickening out sucks!

  3. Mehnaz says:

    I love this post – I love its honesty, and can identify with so much of it. Thing is, it’s all a process isn’t it? Just when you think it might get easier or that you might find a respite, you are faced with another thing to think over. And like other strong independent wonderful women, we just power through to be the best we can be 🙂
    Loved loved this.

    • Vanessa says:

      Hi Mehnaz, thanks so so much for the comment – I agree independent women have to power through, just do your thing but maybe be a bit more bold. What have we got to lose? Although I want my prince to find meeeee & sweep me off my feet. But I kinda live in a movie world in my head. Love that you identify, makes me feel less alone.

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